Fading Identities and a Note to Myself
How often do you look up to the moon?
For me, it’s rarely. But tonight is one of those nights where I head down for a walk. It is serene.
It is always in these moments — when time stands still and I am bathed in moonlight — that thoughts in the sea of my subconscious choose to surface.
And today they ask, “Who am I?”.
Truthfully, I have never known who I was. I remember the time when I first grew aware of the concept of “self”. It was a sudden realisation. I was 16 then, in a school camp, and I suppose I had what many people call an identity crisis or existential crisis.
I remember becoming obsessed with investigating myself and my own nature over the next 3 years. I traced the development of my personality till my childhood, I delved deep into the MBTI systems, I constantly checked the authenticity of my actions, all to find the answer I desperately sought: “What was my identity?”
All these self-analysis took control of my mind, and I became drained mentally. This phase passed as I entered university.
I knew I was nearing the end of student life, and nearing the start of a working life as an adult. Pragmatism took over. Themes like productivity, value and focus emerged at the forefront. Competency and confidence felt more important, while reflection and the search for self slowly faded away. My heart and soul quietened down to make room for the quest to control my life.
Yet sometimes, on rare midnights like today, I gaze into the mirrors of the soul and realise that I am more afraid of losing myself than of being unable to take on the world.
I fear growing up because the mirrors seem to get mistier. I forget easily and am rarely the same person I am today when I wake up tomorrow. Will these identities become a burden in time?
One day, would I even remember the person writing this? One day, would I see part of myself flashing through the window? One day, when someone asks for me, would I shake my head and say, “only in dreams?”
